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“I want to fall in love still sleep around.”Over time I returned to “but,” seeing only a linguistic conceit.When I first met Howard, I had wanted to be open to a different kind of life than when I was married, one that wasn’t necessarily monogamous. Maybe I was limiting myself by being so traditional.
But many of the questions on sites providing advice about polyamory are from secondary partners who are jealous of their lover’s primary relationship.“When I’m committed to someone,” I said to Howard, “I don’t want to see other people.
But there were caveats.“What does it mean for you to be polyamorous and in a relationship? An introvert, I wanted to fall in love with one person so I could stop flinging myself around.
” I said a couple of weeks later, sitting in his sunken living room with views of the bay, reminding myself I probably shouldn’t get too comfortable there.“Along with having a primary partner,” he said, “I need to have a few nights with some former lovers, plus one fling a year.”“Why must keeping up with old lovers involve sleeping together? I wanted to stay home with true love and plenty of time to read.
I couldn’t see even cultural Jewishness coexisting with polyamory.
The idea of having a beloved, or “beshert” (an idealistic word I had stopped using after my husband died), seemed so ingrained to being Jewish.