A person has a right to state a boundary about how they will be treated, meaning, this is something that you may or may not do to me, on me, near me, around me, or even aimed in my general direction. How would you feel if it wasn’t even an option to be seen, heard, validated as being a part of your life? You care about U’s feelings, you want her to feel included.
Many people who are in this situation treat the issue of how open to be as a boundary issue, since they see clear consequences for themselves if a new partner let’s something slip, for instance, by posting something on Facebook. The truth remains, you’re not ready to be out at work.
First, many but not all situations where people are given the title of “Unicorn Hunter” follow one very specific model.
Here are the archetypal “Unicorn Hunters.” The Unicorn Hunters are a male/female couple, the female partner is bisexual while the male partner is heterosexual (mostly), and they are looking to have a woman start dating them together.
This is one of the most sought-after arrangements when a couple new to polyamory looks to open their relationship.
Couples usually discover such a woman is almost impossible to find. So, you just posted on this really cool Poly forum that your friend told you about.
These are so common that people who have seen this play out before will often have a strong, negative reaction to your initial introduction before you have shared any details. My goal with this article is to lay out why these people had the reaction they did, why it was so strong (!
), and what you can do to get what you want without creating dysfunctional relationships and hurting people.
Much to their mutual surprise, neither party completely dismissed the idea (maybe someone did the first time, but they came back to it later, and finally the idea stuck).
I’m going to start with a very simple one, the idea of discretion.
Our Unicorn Hunters are good, thoughtful, compassionate people.
After much foot-dragging and many late night talks, the decision was made to go for it.
But before they actually did anything precipitous, like posting in a Poly forum, they discussed these issues: Some have other specific issues that are important to them, but this list is what I’m going to focus on, and trust me, it is plenty.